Effective Adoption Parenting

6 considerations for adoptive parents

Since you're reading this, chances are you're considering adopting, you're already an adoptive parent or you're involved in adoption in some other way. Over the years, the knowledge base has grown around things to look out for when bringing up a child you didn't give birth to yourself.

Parenting in this way is not an easy job, it will at times be painful and difficult but as you're here, you no doubt want the best for your child and the best out of your relationship with them. So read on!

In 2019 I began a research project that asked the question “Levels of well-being in adults adopted as children – what can we learn?”

My research led to these 6 things for adoptive parents or prospective adoptive parents to factor in to their adoption parenting.

They are:

1 - Adoptive parent(s) with secure attachment style

If parents are insecure, anxious or avoidant, they are likely to make an already traumatised child feel more disconnected.

If you don't know your attachment style (and why would you?) dig deep and ask yourself how you are in your relationships with others. If you rely on others to feel better about yourself, you may need to work on that first. Parenting an adoptee is not going to be an easy ride, as they will have issues of abandonment, loss and fear to navigate. It's vital that your adoptee is not made they need to make you feel better.

Get support or therapy to help you identify the cause of this and work through it.

2 - Adoptive parent(s) who have grieved for, had therapy and overcome an inability to conceive naturally

Parents who would have never considered adoption as an option, often turn to it as a last resort when they have tried and failed to conceive naturally and via IVF.

In these circumstances they are adopting primarily for themselves, even though they can undoubtedly often provide a stable home life for the child.

Research suggests they need to grieve for their own loss before they can “be” what the adopted child needs, otherwise there's a risk of disconnect, detachment and resentment towards the adoptee. All these things would worsen the adoptee's "self concept" (how they understand themselves) which has already been damaged by the separation from biological mother.

3 - Adoptive parent(s) with the ability to mentalise the experience of their adopted child

Essentially, a parent who can put themselves in the “feelings” of the adopted child. The parent needs to accept that a baby or infant will be traumatised, suffer issues of fear, loss and rejection.

Parents need to attempt to empathise with this in order to allow their child to explore/express their feelings

4 - Adoptive parent(s) who are psychologically ready, prepared and willing to work with issues of separation, trauma, loss, identity and contact

As above, but adoptive parents should expect these issues and be prepared to discuss them in an open, supportive environment.

This should continue as the child grows and develops and begins to question their identity.

5 - Adoptive parent(s) who encourage open and supportive discourse about issues of separation, trauma, loss, identity and contact.

This should include the adoptee’s siblings (adopted or otherwise)

Again, the parents should initiate and encourage these conversations.

NORMALISE these conversations, otherwise your adoptee will feel 'bad', 'wrong' or 'disloyal' for their feelings when they already have enough to contend with.

6 - Therapy to be available as standard as adoptees reach adolescence and young adulthood

All adoptees should benefit from adoption competent therapy or support as they mature and question their experiences and identity.

This is not currently (2021) available as standard, but if you have the means do seek out an adoption competent therapist.

See my video on internalising behaviours and early therapeutic support.